Rubbed Wrong
A few weeks ago I posted some thoughts on how I am constantly defending my existence on this earth. It might be the one item in the on-going reunion journey where I get rubbed wrong each time.
Yes, here I am again rubbed wrong. The trigger point was brought via a news flash on social media. Potentially an innocent post by a biological family member, but one that gets my mind racing into the abyss of rejection. One would think I would have the rejection response down pat, right? As an adoptee, I feel I am well adapted in life and honestly rejection is something I have dealt with since birth. We have all been there at one point on our life were we have either been the rejected or the rejector.
When we go there as the rejector, we typically do so with many valid reasons. We list them out, we share them with others for validation and then we use them as a weapon. We are justified in our words and actions, until we are not. When we are not justified the act of rejection can become hypocritical. How do these thoughts play out in my reunion experience?
It has almost been one year since I made a really tough decision to reduce interactions with some of the biological connections I had made in late 2019 and into 2020. The desire to get to know me was not present; and the need to consistently place me in a box where I had to prove myself trustworthy was all that appeared to matter. Here we are a year later and these feelings appear to have been confirmed recently on social media. After a two full years of this pattern I am left feeling inadequate and never good enough.
Now I recognize the feelings of inadequacy are my issues and not the responsibility of this particular person, but let’s be candid for a few moments. Maybe it is the small seed of hypocrisy embedded within the act of this particular rejection that I find less than above board. The experience is rooted in comments on the differences of our upbringing. I no longer even know how to respond to this statement of fact. It is what it is and yet it is the go to reason for shunning me. My brain can no longer even try to wrap itself around the logic the rejector is putting forth.
In my particular case the rejector has several other half-siblings whom have also been adopted, on both their paternal and maternal side of the equation, where the logistics of upbringing do not seem to be the issue. Those who have been accepted must meet some unspoken criteria right? Year born? Reason for relinquishment? Economic status? Date they were reconnected? Who knows and frankly it brings us full circle; I am rubbed wrong.
It has taken me a long time on this journey to realize there are always people that are not going to want me as part of their world. They cannot fathom that I am not somehow at fault for the circumstances; no matter what the facts were at the time. The fact is simple, I was a baby and had nothing to do with the decision. No matter what I say, do or how I treat them - I am not for them. It is ok; because when I am real about this situation I am not all that fond of those people, either. Just saying that statement is a bitter pill for me to swallow, as I have always considered myself to be open to family. Family is family until there is an adoptee and we do not click.
Yep, in the real world we don’t always click with everyone and they don’t always click with us; and it is ok. What is not ok is to not like ourselves based on someone else’s perception of us, to dive into the abyss of inadequacy and to be cruel to ourselves because they don't want to care for us. Recognizing I may not change their minds about me and I may not change my mind about them, is a big step. It is the end of the day where I will focus. Because, I would rather have tried to make the connection, to have been kind to everyone and given them all the effort I could to accept me as family. Rubbed wrong or not, that is the win.
Find your people, cherish your people and love your people!
